George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin
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Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. George Carlin
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin
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The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash. George Carlin
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The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice. George Carlin
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. George Carlin
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. George Carlin
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And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good. George Carlin
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I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so. George Carlin
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"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass." George Carlin
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Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. George Carlin
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But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! George Carlin
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Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear. George Carlin
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Is there another word for synonym? George Carlin
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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. George Carlin
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course. George Carlin
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. George Carlin
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The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols. George Carlin
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Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance. George Carlin
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No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it. George Carlin
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real? George Carlin
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. George Carlin
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Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. George Carlin
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Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? George Carlin
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment. George Carlin
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I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. George Carlin
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly! George Carlin
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I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' George Carlin
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Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there's no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick! George Carlin
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture. George Carlin
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. George Carlin
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. George Carlin
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A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. George Carlin
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow. George Carlin
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. George Carlin
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Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin
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Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. George Carlin
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A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed. George Carlin
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin
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And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles." George Carlin
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I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. George Carlin
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. George Carlin
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I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me. George Carlin
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We use up words like spiritual so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is bogosity a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it how I fit. George Carlin
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. George Carlin
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Everything beeps now. George Carlin
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If voting changed anything, it would be illegal. George Carlin
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. George Carlin
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant. George Carlin
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Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an apple tree. I just don't believe you. And so this pursuit of position and money and power, they are all wrapped up into one package that I think is crippling, debilitating and limiting. And unfortunately, people get sucked into it and then they've got you on the treadmill. You know: 'You've got to have a good job' and "You've got to have a good education' - which is another word for indoctrination. We're never going to rise above these limitations we've placed on ourselves. George Carlin
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise. George Carlin
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I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I'll be like Danny Kaye. He was kind of the model I had in mind. George Carlin
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No one has to come see my shows who doesn't like me talking about white Christians. They are free not buy a ticket. They're free to leave at any time. So I'm not imposing anything on anyone. Therefore I feel free to cross the line. George Carlin
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought. George Carlin
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either. George Carlin
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long format, five, eight, 10-minute pieces rather than one-liners, so since writing books, the process hasn't changed much. A piece in my live routine can end up as part of one of my HBO specials, and it can also end up in one of the books. George Carlin
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there. George Carlin
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Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? George Carlin
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I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon. George Carlin
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. George Carlin
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. George Carlin
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away? George Carlin
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. George Carlin
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick. George Carlin
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. George Carlin
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. George Carlin
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Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic. George Carlin
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