George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash. George Carlin

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice. George Carlin

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. George Carlin

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. George Carlin

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good. George Carlin

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so. George Carlin

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass." George Carlin

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. George Carlin

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! George Carlin

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. George Carlin

More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. George Carlin

I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me. George Carlin

We use up words like spiritual so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is bogosity a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it how I fit. George Carlin

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? George Carlin

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment. George Carlin

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. George Carlin

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal. George Carlin

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. George Carlin

All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant. George Carlin

Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an apple tree. I just don't believe you. And so this pursuit of position and money and power, they are all wrapped up into one package that I think is crippling, debilitating and limiting. And unfortunately, people get sucked into it and then they've got you on the treadmill. You know: 'You've got to have a good job' and "You've got to have a good education' - which is another word for indoctrination. We're never going to rise above these limitations we've placed on ourselves. George Carlin

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise. George Carlin

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles." George Carlin

Is there another word for synonym? George Carlin

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. George Carlin

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke. George Carlin

Sudden total weight loss. George Carlin

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive. George Carlin

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English. George Carlin

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. George Carlin

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. George Carlin

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket. George Carlin

Here's a bumper sticker I"d like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he does' need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. George Carlin

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture. George Carlin

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. George Carlin

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. George Carlin

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. George Carlin

One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow. George Carlin

I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. George Carlin

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course. George Carlin

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. George Carlin

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols. George Carlin

Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance. George Carlin

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real? George Carlin

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. George Carlin

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. George Carlin

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. George Carlin

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. George Carlin

Everything beeps now. George Carlin

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it. George Carlin

Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear. George Carlin

I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon. George Carlin

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. George Carlin

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. George Carlin

If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away? George Carlin

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. George Carlin

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick. George Carlin

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. George Carlin

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. George Carlin

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic. George Carlin

You get to play with people's little danger zones. George Carlin

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire. George Carlin

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag. George Carlin

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. George Carlin

I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch. George Carlin

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. George Carlin

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! George Carlin

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! George Carlin

A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch. George Carlin

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