George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. George Carlin
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How is it possible to have a civil war? George Carlin
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I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. George Carlin
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers. George Carlin
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into. George Carlin
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I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. George Carlin
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another George Carlin
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. George Carlin
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together. George Carlin
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure George Carlin
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If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that does' work. George Carlin
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Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff. George Carlin
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I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! George Carlin
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Do' just teach your children to read... Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. George Carlin
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel. George Carlin
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table. George Carlin
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Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground. George Carlin
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I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. George Carlin
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." George Carlin
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. George Carlin
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Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint. George Carlin
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I think it's important to break taboos for the same reason it's important to break laws and rules - because either you're a slave to them, or you're taking matters into your hands. George Carlin
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That's really a part of my nature , it goes along with autonomy and independence of action - it's just that I don't identify with the local group, no matter what it is, whether it's the human species or the American democracy, the nation, the country, religions, political parties, nothing. None of these have my allegiance because I'm not really concerned with what they do. I don't feel a part of any of this. George Carlin
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I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong." People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down. George Carlin
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement. George Carlin
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If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help. George Carlin
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? George Carlin
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. George Carlin
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is? George Carlin
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate. George Carlin
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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. George Carlin
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Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies. George Carlin
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball. George Carlin
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And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste. George Carlin
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle. George Carlin
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Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. George Carlin
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Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language. George Carlin
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost. George Carlin
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People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking. George Carlin
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. George Carlin
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Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning George Carlin
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! George Carlin
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird? George Carlin
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In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. George Carlin
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. George Carlin
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If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain George Carlin
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Surround yourself with what you love. George Carlin
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I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. George Carlin
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. George Carlin
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Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. George Carlin
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. George Carlin
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A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics? George Carlin
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M. George Carlin
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. George Carlin
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We are all precancerous. George Carlin
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Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror. George Carlin
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. George Carlin
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I"ve stayed alive. George Carlin
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George Carlin
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
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Always do whatever's next. George Carlin
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George Carlin
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. George Carlin
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. George Carlin
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Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. George Carlin
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