George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves. George Carlin
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. George Carlin
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. George Carlin
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The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. George Carlin
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. George Carlin
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. George Carlin
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If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. George Carlin
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. George Carlin
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Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. George Carlin
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Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? George Carlin
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If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2? George Carlin
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I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. George Carlin
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My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words. George Carlin
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Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? George Carlin
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The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" George Carlin
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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? George Carlin
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. George Carlin
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. George Carlin
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Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? George Carlin
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George Carlin
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No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. George Carlin
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Your home is your refuge. George Carlin
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The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. George Carlin
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This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. George Carlin
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Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. George Carlin
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? George Carlin
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? George Carlin
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. George Carlin
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word? George Carlin
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. George Carlin
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? George Carlin
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I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. George Carlin
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The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why is' the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin
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Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. George Carlin
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin
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You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space. George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. George Carlin
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If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. George Carlin
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? George Carlin
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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. George Carlin
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If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin
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Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. George Carlin
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In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. George Carlin
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." George Carlin
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Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." George Carlin
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Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! George Carlin
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes George Carlin
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin
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It's never just a game when you're winning. George Carlin
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. George Carlin
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. George Carlin
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If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. George Carlin
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? George Carlin
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My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. George Carlin
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin
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And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. George Carlin
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If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance George Carlin
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I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. George Carlin
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? George Carlin
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. George Carlin
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. George Carlin
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. George Carlin
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Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states. George Carlin
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I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her. George Carlin
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded. George Carlin
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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice. George Carlin
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I'm a believer that things happen. Fate is what happens. George Carlin
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it. George Carlin
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