George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. George Carlin
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain. George Carlin
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. George Carlin
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I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach. George Carlin
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Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves. George Carlin
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The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? George Carlin
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? George Carlin
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. George Carlin
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word? George Carlin
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I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. George Carlin
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My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words. George Carlin
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Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? George Carlin
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The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" George Carlin
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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? George Carlin
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. George Carlin
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. George Carlin
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. George Carlin
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The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. George Carlin
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. George Carlin
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. George Carlin
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If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. George Carlin
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. George Carlin
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Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. George Carlin
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Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? George Carlin
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If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2? George Carlin
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If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. George Carlin
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Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin
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Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. George Carlin
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin
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I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak. George Carlin
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin
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You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space. George Carlin
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. George Carlin
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If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? George Carlin
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves. George Carlin
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why is' the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin
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Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. George Carlin
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. George Carlin
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Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning George Carlin
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? George Carlin
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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. George Carlin
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If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin
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Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. George Carlin
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In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. George Carlin
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." George Carlin
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Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." George Carlin
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Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! George Carlin
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes George Carlin
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin
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If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain George Carlin
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Surround yourself with what you love. George Carlin
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Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. George Carlin
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. George Carlin
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A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics? George Carlin
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M. George Carlin
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. George Carlin
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded. George Carlin
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? George Carlin
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. George Carlin
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. George Carlin
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. George Carlin
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird? George Carlin
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In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. George Carlin
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! George Carlin
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. George Carlin
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People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking. George Carlin
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My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. George Carlin
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