George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. George Carlin

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words. George Carlin

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? George Carlin

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" George Carlin

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? George Carlin

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. George Carlin

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. George Carlin

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. George Carlin

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. George Carlin

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. George Carlin

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. George Carlin

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. George Carlin

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. George Carlin

Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. George Carlin

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? George Carlin

If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2? George Carlin

If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. George Carlin

What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain. George Carlin

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. George Carlin

I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach. George Carlin

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves. George Carlin

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin

No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. George Carlin

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 enjoys it? George Carlin

What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. George Carlin

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. George Carlin

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason George Carlin

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? George Carlin

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? George Carlin

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. George Carlin

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word? George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. George Carlin

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? George Carlin

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. George Carlin

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin

Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. George Carlin

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. George Carlin

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." George Carlin

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." George Carlin

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! George Carlin

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes George Carlin

Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin

Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states. George Carlin

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her. George Carlin

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. George Carlin

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. George Carlin

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance George Carlin

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. George Carlin

There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice. George Carlin

I'm a believer that things happen. Fate is what happens. George Carlin

I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it. George Carlin

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. George Carlin

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? George Carlin

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain George Carlin

Surround yourself with what you love. George Carlin

The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel. George Carlin

Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table. George Carlin

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground. George Carlin

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. George Carlin

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. George Carlin

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I"ve stayed alive. George Carlin

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