George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? George Carlin
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? George Carlin
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. George Carlin
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word? George Carlin
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I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. George Carlin
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My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words. George Carlin
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Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? George Carlin
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The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" George Carlin
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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? George Carlin
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. George Carlin
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. George Carlin
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. George Carlin
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The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. George Carlin
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. George Carlin
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. George Carlin
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If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. George Carlin
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. George Carlin
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Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. George Carlin
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Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? George Carlin
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If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2? George Carlin
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If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. George Carlin
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One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off. George Carlin
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. George Carlin
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As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. George Carlin
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I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
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We created god in our own image and likeness! George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. George Carlin
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away George Carlin
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If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? George Carlin
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. George Carlin
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. George Carlin
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Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin
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Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. George Carlin
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin
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I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak. George Carlin
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin
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You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space. George Carlin
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. George Carlin
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. George Carlin
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My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. George Carlin
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin
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And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. George Carlin
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. George Carlin
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? George Carlin
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. George Carlin
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How is it possible to have a civil war? George Carlin
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. George Carlin
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Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning George Carlin
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird? George Carlin
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In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. George Carlin
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! George Carlin
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We are all precancerous. George Carlin
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If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain George Carlin
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Surround yourself with what you love. George Carlin
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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. George Carlin
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If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin
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Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. George Carlin
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In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. George Carlin
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." George Carlin
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Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." George Carlin
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Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! George Carlin
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes George Carlin
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin
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If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. George Carlin
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? George Carlin
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I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. George Carlin
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers. George Carlin
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into. George Carlin
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