George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. George Carlin
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If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. George Carlin
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. George Carlin
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Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. George Carlin
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Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? George Carlin
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If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2? George Carlin
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We created god in our own image and likeness! George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. George Carlin
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One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off. George Carlin
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. George Carlin
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As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. George Carlin
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I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
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Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. George Carlin
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why is' the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin
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Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin
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Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. George Carlin
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin
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I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak. George Carlin
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin
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You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space. George Carlin
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. George Carlin
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. George Carlin
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In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. George Carlin
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain. George Carlin
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. George Carlin
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I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach. George Carlin
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Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves. George Carlin
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A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin
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In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. George Carlin
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. George Carlin
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. George Carlin
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. George Carlin
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. George Carlin
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My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' George Carlin
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George Carlin
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Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. George Carlin
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The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin
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If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. George Carlin
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Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. George Carlin
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. George Carlin
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A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics? George Carlin
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M. George Carlin
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. George Carlin
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded. George Carlin
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I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. George Carlin
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another George Carlin
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In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. George Carlin
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." George Carlin
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Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." George Carlin
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Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! George Carlin
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes George Carlin
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. George Carlin
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Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning George Carlin
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It's never just a game when you're winning. George Carlin
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. George Carlin
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. George Carlin
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. George Carlin
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. George Carlin
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How is it possible to have a civil war? George Carlin
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I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. George Carlin
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers. George Carlin
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into. George Carlin
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I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. George Carlin
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. George Carlin
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George Carlin
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
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