George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why is' the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We created god in our own image and likeness! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:



<< PREVIOUS PAGE Page 4 of 14 | NEXT PAGE >
1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10   11   12   13   14  


RELATED TOPICS

George Carlin Quotes, George Carlin Quotes Government, Hypocrisy Quotes George Carlin, Plastic George Carlin Quote, Stuff George Carlin Quotes, Curious George Ether, Curious George Quotes, Quotes George Burns, Saint George Quotes, Seinfeld Quotes George, Beauty George Santayana Quotes,