George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Your home is your refuge. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Always do whatever's next. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm a believer that things happen. Fate is what happens. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:



<< PREVIOUS PAGE Page 4 of 15 | NEXT PAGE >
1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10   11   12   13   14   15  


RELATED TOPICS

George Carlin Quotes, George Carlin Quotes Government, Hypocrisy Quotes George Carlin, Plastic George Carlin Quote, Stuff George Carlin Quotes, Carlin Quotes, Curious George Ether, Curious George Quotes, King George Quotes, Quotes George Burns, Saint George Quotes,