George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing George Carlin
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Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country. George Carlin
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The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage. George Carlin
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Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff. George Carlin
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed. George Carlin
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The older you get, the better you realize you were. George Carlin
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I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them. George Carlin
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The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! George Carlin
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere George Carlin
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO. George Carlin
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I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! George Carlin
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass. George Carlin
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin
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If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who ca' go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
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You do' see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus"s, do you? No, you do' see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. George Carlin
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Soft rock music is' rock, and it ai' music. It's just soft. George Carlin
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had. George Carlin
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The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. George Carlin
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. George Carlin
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. George Carlin
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. George Carlin
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. George Carlin
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My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' George Carlin
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? George Carlin
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Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" George Carlin
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. George Carlin
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect. George Carlin
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The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out. George Carlin
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. George Carlin
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So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. George Carlin
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. George Carlin
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 enjoys it? George Carlin
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What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away George Carlin
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If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? George Carlin
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves. George Carlin
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. George Carlin
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We created god in our own image and likeness! George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. George Carlin
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A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin
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In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. George Carlin
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One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off. George Carlin
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. George Carlin
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As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. George Carlin
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I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. George Carlin
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. George Carlin
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Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason George Carlin
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Life is a series of dogs. George Carlin
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. George Carlin
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll. George Carlin
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And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. George Carlin
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. George Carlin
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Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin
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Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. George Carlin
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin
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I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak. George Carlin
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In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. George Carlin
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain. George Carlin
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. George Carlin
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I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach. George Carlin
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