George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet. George Carlin
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If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin
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The fact that I didn't finish school left me with a lifelong need to prove that I'm smart, prove it to myself, maybe to the world. I [also] needed to be - not the center of attention - but I needed to be able to attract attention when I wanted it, through my stunts and my fooling around physically with faces or postures or voices I would do. Those things are important elements in the drive behind all of this [my career]. George Carlin
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do. George Carlin
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The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it. George Carlin
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I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. George Carlin
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. George Carlin
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The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! George Carlin
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Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free. George Carlin
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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. George Carlin
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. George Carlin
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No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. George Carlin
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Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? George Carlin
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Hooray for most things! George Carlin
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I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own. George Carlin
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I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! George Carlin
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had. George Carlin
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The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. George Carlin
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If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. George Carlin
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If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?" George Carlin
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When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons. George Carlin
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. George Carlin
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? George Carlin
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Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? George Carlin
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? George Carlin
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? George Carlin
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. George Carlin
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word? George Carlin
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? George Carlin
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Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" George Carlin
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. George Carlin
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect. George Carlin
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The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out. George Carlin
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. George Carlin
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So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. George Carlin
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No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. George Carlin
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Your home is your refuge. George Carlin
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The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. George Carlin
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This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. George Carlin
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 enjoys it? George Carlin
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What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. George Carlin
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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. George Carlin
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. George Carlin
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Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason George Carlin
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Life is a series of dogs. George Carlin
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. George Carlin
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll. George Carlin
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And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. George Carlin
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I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. George Carlin
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. George Carlin
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away George Carlin
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If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? George Carlin
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves. George Carlin
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. George Carlin
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I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. George Carlin
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My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words. George Carlin
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Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? George Carlin
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The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!" George Carlin
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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? George Carlin
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. George Carlin
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. George Carlin
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. George Carlin
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The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. George Carlin
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. George Carlin
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