George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car. George Carlin
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni. George Carlin
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Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself. George Carlin
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. George Carlin
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO. George Carlin
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You do' see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus"s, do you? No, you do' see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. George Carlin
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Soft rock music is' rock, and it ai' music. It's just soft. George Carlin
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had. George Carlin
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The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. George Carlin
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If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? George Carlin
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Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. George Carlin
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. George Carlin
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Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer"s. George Carlin
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you ca' interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. George Carlin
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin
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If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who ca' go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
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Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. George Carlin
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I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself... George Carlin
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
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I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. George Carlin
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No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. George Carlin
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Your home is your refuge. George Carlin
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The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. George Carlin
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This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. George Carlin
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. George Carlin
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. George Carlin
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. George Carlin
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. George Carlin
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My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' George Carlin
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? George Carlin
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Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" George Carlin
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. George Carlin
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect. George Carlin
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The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out. George Carlin
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. George Carlin
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So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. George Carlin
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. George Carlin
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? George Carlin
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Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? George Carlin
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George Carlin
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Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. George Carlin
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. George Carlin
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. George Carlin
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away George Carlin
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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. George Carlin
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. George Carlin
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Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason George Carlin
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Life is a series of dogs. George Carlin
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. George Carlin
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll. George Carlin
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And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. George Carlin
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I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. George Carlin
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. George Carlin
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 enjoys it? George Carlin
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What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. George Carlin
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We created god in our own image and likeness! George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. George Carlin
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A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin
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In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. George Carlin
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One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off. George Carlin
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. George Carlin
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As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. George Carlin
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I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
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