George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007

The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. George Carlin

I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! George Carlin

The fact that I didn't finish school left me with a lifelong need to prove that I'm smart, prove it to myself, maybe to the world. I [also] needed to be - not the center of attention - but I needed to be able to attract attention when I wanted it, through my stunts and my fooling around physically with faces or postures or voices I would do. Those things are important elements in the drive behind all of this [my career]. George Carlin

Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do. George Carlin

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it. George Carlin

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin

If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who ca' go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. George Carlin

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you. George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. George Carlin

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself... George Carlin

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. George Carlin

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. George Carlin

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. George Carlin

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. George Carlin

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' George Carlin

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! George Carlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? George Carlin

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" George Carlin

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. George Carlin

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect. George Carlin

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out. George Carlin

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. George Carlin

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. George Carlin

We created god in our own image and likeness! George Carlin

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. George Carlin

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away George Carlin

One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off. George Carlin

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. George Carlin

As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. George Carlin

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? George Carlin

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? George Carlin

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George Carlin

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. George Carlin

Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. George Carlin

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak. George Carlin

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin

You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space. George Carlin

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. George Carlin

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. George Carlin

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why is' the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin

Life is a series of dogs. George Carlin

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. George Carlin

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll. George Carlin

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. George Carlin

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. George Carlin

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. George Carlin

No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. George Carlin

Your home is your refuge. George Carlin

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. George Carlin

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. George Carlin

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. George Carlin

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? George Carlin

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves. George Carlin

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. George Carlin

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