George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. George Carlin
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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. George Carlin
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Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went? George Carlin
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first. George Carlin
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Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day. George Carlin
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I believe you can joke about anything. George Carlin
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me! George Carlin
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When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. George Carlin
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing. George Carlin
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Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car. George Carlin
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni. George Carlin
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If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? George Carlin
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had. George Carlin
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The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. George Carlin
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I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! George Carlin
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The fact that I didn't finish school left me with a lifelong need to prove that I'm smart, prove it to myself, maybe to the world. I [also] needed to be - not the center of attention - but I needed to be able to attract attention when I wanted it, through my stunts and my fooling around physically with faces or postures or voices I would do. Those things are important elements in the drive behind all of this [my career]. George Carlin
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do. George Carlin
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The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it. George Carlin
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin
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If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who ca' go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. George Carlin
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. George Carlin
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. George Carlin
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. George Carlin
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. George Carlin
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My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' George Carlin
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! George Carlin
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? George Carlin
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Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" George Carlin
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. George Carlin
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect. George Carlin
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The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out. George Carlin
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. George Carlin
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So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. George Carlin
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We created god in our own image and likeness! George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. George Carlin
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away George Carlin
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One of the interesting things about "outsidership" is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off. George Carlin
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. George Carlin
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As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. George Carlin
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I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? George Carlin
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Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? George Carlin
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George Carlin
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Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. George Carlin
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Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin
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Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. George Carlin
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin
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I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak. George Carlin
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I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. George Carlin
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You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space. George Carlin
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. George Carlin
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Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. George Carlin
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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why is' the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin
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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. George Carlin
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. George Carlin
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Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason George Carlin
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Life is a series of dogs. George Carlin
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. George Carlin
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll. George Carlin
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And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. George Carlin
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I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. George Carlin
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. George Carlin
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 enjoys it? George Carlin
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What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin
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