George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. George Carlin
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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. George Carlin
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. George Carlin
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No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. George Carlin
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Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? George Carlin
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Hooray for most things! George Carlin
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I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own. George Carlin
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If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. George Carlin
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. George Carlin
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing. George Carlin
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body George Carlin
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The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated. George Carlin
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. George Carlin
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You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. George Carlin
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If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. George Carlin
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If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?" George Carlin
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When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons. George Carlin
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hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work. George Carlin
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi. George Carlin
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I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie. George Carlin
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The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. George Carlin
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It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes. George Carlin
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People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin. George Carlin
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I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them. George Carlin
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Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country. George Carlin
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The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage. George Carlin
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you. George Carlin
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Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. George Carlin
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I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself... George Carlin
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. George Carlin
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You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus's, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. George Carlin
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Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. George Carlin
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin
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Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer"s. George Carlin
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The fact that I didn't finish school left me with a lifelong need to prove that I'm smart, prove it to myself, maybe to the world. I [also] needed to be - not the center of attention - but I needed to be able to attract attention when I wanted it, through my stunts and my fooling around physically with faces or postures or voices I would do. Those things are important elements in the drive behind all of this [my career]. George Carlin
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do. George Carlin
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The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it. George Carlin
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I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! George Carlin
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin
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If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who ca' go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you ca' interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. George Carlin
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I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. George Carlin
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left? George Carlin
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He is dead now, but he meant well. George Carlin
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We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. George Carlin
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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. George Carlin
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Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went? George Carlin
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first. George Carlin
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Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day. George Carlin
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I believe you can joke about anything. George Carlin
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me! George Carlin
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When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. George Carlin
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing. George Carlin
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Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car. George Carlin
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni. George Carlin
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If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? George Carlin
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere George Carlin
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I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis. George Carlin
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I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring the audience along carefully enough with you, you can get them to cross the line with you. What I try to do is talk about things that bother me, and I hope that in doing so I bother other people. George Carlin
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I love individuals. I think people are terrific as I meet and get to know them. I like imagination. I like the freedom that this society manages to parcel out to us in the midst of the rest of what they do to you. I also like thinking about the fact that the atoms in me are the same atoms that are in all the rest of the universe, and that every one of those atoms came from the middle of a star. In other words, it's only me out there. George Carlin
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