George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I'm sure Hitler was great with his family. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?" George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus's, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself... George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

He is dead now, but he meant well. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went? George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I believe you can joke about anything. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me! George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who ca' go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer"s. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The worst thing about e-mail is that you ca' interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

You do' see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus"s, do you? No, you do' see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Soft rock music is' rock, and it ai' music. It's just soft. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

The fact that I didn't finish school left me with a lifelong need to prove that I'm smart, prove it to myself, maybe to the world. I [also] needed to be - not the center of attention - but I needed to be able to attract attention when I wanted it, through my stunts and my fooling around physically with faces or postures or voices I would do. Those things are important elements in the drive behind all of this [my career]. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:

Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do. George Carlin
Download Wallpaper:



<< PREVIOUS PAGE Page 2 of 14 | NEXT PAGE >
1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10   11   12   13   14  


RELATED TOPICS

George Carlin Quotes, George Carlin Quotes Government, Hypocrisy Quotes George Carlin, Plastic George Carlin Quote, Stuff George Carlin Quotes, Curious George Ether, Curious George Quotes, Quotes George Burns, Saint George Quotes, Seinfeld Quotes George, Beauty George Santayana Quotes,