George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. George Carlin

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem. George Carlin

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? George Carlin

Is' it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? George Carlin

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George Carlin

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. George Carlin

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. George Carlin

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. George Carlin

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. George Carlin

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy. George Carlin

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. George Carlin

Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back. George Carlin

Rhetoric paints with a broad brush. George Carlin

Jesus was a cross-dresser. George Carlin

I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or so - a number of then willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren't their own and pretend to be people other than themselves - and their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I'm not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy. George Carlin

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on? George Carlin

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking George Carlin

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. George Carlin

You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. George Carlin

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? George Carlin

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is. George Carlin

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. George Carlin

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes. George Carlin

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. George Carlin

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember. George Carlin

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. George Carlin

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin

What wine goes with Captain Crunch? George Carlin

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers. George Carlin

There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let's get started with a couple of them. George Carlin

The straightest line between a straight distance is two points. George Carlin

It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. George Carlin

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." George Carlin

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem. George Carlin

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players. George Carlin

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. George Carlin

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important. George Carlin

The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind George Carlin

More people write poetry than read it. George Carlin

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms. George Carlin

... the important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it, and try to see the world for what it actually is, as opposed to what someone or some company or some organization or some government is trying to represent it as, or present it as, however they've mislabeled it or dressed it up or told you. George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. George Carlin

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? George Carlin

I'm in shape. Round is a shape. George Carlin

I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid. George Carlin

My mother and I had a lot of distance between us emotionally, although, on the surface, most of the time, we appeared good and friendly, and all that. But I was a problem. I was a street kid. George Carlin

Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves. George Carlin

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down. George Carlin

I use the [vulgar] words because apparently these words do not corrupt morally. I'm from the street in New York, hung around in a tough neighborhood. It was common to curse, you make your point. It's a very effective language. I try not to overdo it. It's never to shock. I know where it fits, it's never to shock. There's no shock value left in words. George Carlin

The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision. George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? George Carlin

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate. George Carlin

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. George Carlin

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? George Carlin

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George Carlin

Religion is just mind control. George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin

It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too. George Carlin

Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry. George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary. George Carlin

I've just completed a five-year period that can perhaps best be called a breathing spell. A time of getting my health back and gathering my strength. That time also included incredible cocaine abuse, a heart attack and my wife's recovery from both alcoholism and cocaine abuse. George Carlin

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