George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way. George Carlin
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted. George Carlin
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people. George Carlin
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I don't really identify with America, I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices. George Carlin
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know. George Carlin
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered. George Carlin
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Most people are not particularly good at anything. George Carlin
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives. George Carlin
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I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. George Carlin
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Does killing time damage eternity? George Carlin
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I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try. George Carlin
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People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. George Carlin
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If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead George Carlin
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. George Carlin
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. George Carlin
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin
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People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. George Carlin
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman." George Carlin
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Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did. George Carlin
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? George Carlin
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So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. George Carlin
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Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. George Carlin
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The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy! George Carlin
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It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business. George Carlin
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People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? George Carlin
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The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone ... Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder. George Carlin
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If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin
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Is' making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin
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A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. George Carlin
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Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. George Carlin
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Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f-in head! Aparently we're not ready for that! George Carlin
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. George Carlin
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. George Carlin
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Think off-center. George Carlin
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Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'. George Carlin
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all. George Carlin
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! George Carlin
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Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala." George Carlin
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! George Carlin
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What was the best thing before sliced bread? George Carlin
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Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. George Carlin
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Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws. George Carlin
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. George Carlin
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They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. George Carlin
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help. George Carlin
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again! George Carlin
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In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going. George Carlin
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The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way." George Carlin
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In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."" George Carlin
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan. George Carlin
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? George Carlin
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. George Carlin
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You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! George Carlin
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? George Carlin
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. George Carlin
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk? George Carlin
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I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky. George Carlin
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Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. George Carlin
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Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. George Carlin
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin
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All music is the blues. All of it. George Carlin
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. George Carlin
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember. George Carlin
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Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. George Carlin
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes. George Carlin
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The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy. George Carlin
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Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. George Carlin
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back. George Carlin
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