George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. George Carlin
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The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy! George Carlin
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. George Carlin
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. George Carlin
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People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? George Carlin
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. George Carlin
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When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it. George Carlin
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If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. George Carlin
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The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller amounts, and I would do coke for less periods of time. And that process just kept increasing and increasing until I wasn't using it at all. I didn't go on a program anywhere. I didn't join an organization or detox anywhere. I just slowly tapered off until it was gone. That was also true of my heavy pot use. I just tapered off until there was almost no use at all. And the same thing was true of drinking tons of beer. George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin
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I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way. George Carlin
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted. George Carlin
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people. George Carlin
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I don't really identify with America, I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices. George Carlin
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If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin
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Is' making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin
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A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. George Carlin
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In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing. George Carlin
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining. George Carlin
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. George Carlin
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The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone ... Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder. George Carlin
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Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. George Carlin
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Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f-in head! Aparently we're not ready for that! George Carlin
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are. George Carlin
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Life is not that complicated. George Carlin
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.' George Carlin
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I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try. George Carlin
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People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. George Carlin
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know. George Carlin
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered. George Carlin
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Most people are not particularly good at anything. George Carlin
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives. George Carlin
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I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. George Carlin
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Does killing time damage eternity? George Carlin
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Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'. George Carlin
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Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. George Carlin
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin
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All music is the blues. All of it. George Carlin
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. George Carlin
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember. George Carlin
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Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. George Carlin
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin
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If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? George Carlin
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all. George Carlin
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! George Carlin
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Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala." George Carlin
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! George Carlin
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What was the best thing before sliced bread? George Carlin
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Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. George Carlin
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Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws. George Carlin
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. George Carlin
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They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. George Carlin
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help. George Carlin
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again! George Carlin
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In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going. George Carlin
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The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way." George Carlin
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In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."" George Carlin
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan. George Carlin
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? George Carlin
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. George Carlin
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You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! George Carlin
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Jesus was a cross-dresser. George Carlin
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I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or so - a number of then willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren't their own and pretend to be people other than themselves - and their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I'm not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy. George Carlin
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Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on? George Carlin
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking George Carlin
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. George Carlin
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. George Carlin
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin
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