George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife-because the music hadn't been beautiful enough. George Carlin
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I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. George Carlin
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. George Carlin
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It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business. George Carlin
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? George Carlin
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin
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So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. George Carlin
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Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. George Carlin
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The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy! George Carlin
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? George Carlin
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People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. George Carlin
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman." George Carlin
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Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did. George Carlin
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. George Carlin
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People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? George Carlin
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin
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Don't just teach your children to read... Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. George Carlin
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. George Carlin
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. George Carlin
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I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try. George Carlin
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People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. George Carlin
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know. George Carlin
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered. George Carlin
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Most people are not particularly good at anything. George Carlin
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives. George Carlin
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I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. George Carlin
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Does killing time damage eternity? George Carlin
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are. George Carlin
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Life is not that complicated. George Carlin
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.' George Carlin
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Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'. George Carlin
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If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin
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I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way. George Carlin
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I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted. George Carlin
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people. George Carlin
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I don't really identify with America, I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices. George Carlin
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. George Carlin
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George Carlin
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Religion is just mind control. George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all. George Carlin
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! George Carlin
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Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala." George Carlin
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! George Carlin
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What was the best thing before sliced bread? George Carlin
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Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. George Carlin
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Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws. George Carlin
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. George Carlin
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They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. George Carlin
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help. George Carlin
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again! George Carlin
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In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going. George Carlin
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The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way." George Carlin
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In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."" George Carlin
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan. George Carlin
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? George Carlin
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. George Carlin
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You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! George Carlin
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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol. George Carlin
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Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. George Carlin
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent. George Carlin
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Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. George Carlin
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin
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All music is the blues. All of it. George Carlin
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Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet. George Carlin
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. George Carlin
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The only good thing about religion is the music. Because nature is filled with balances and opposites, there are always exceptions to the overall rules, whether the overall rules are bleak or otherwise. If you propound a joyous theory of existence, I will find an exception to that. If I propound a bleak theory, someone will find a joyous exception. That's just nature being nature, I think, and I don't think it offers a lot of hope. It's sort of a respite along the way. George Carlin
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children. George Carlin
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