George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? George Carlin

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin

Don't just teach your children to read... Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. George Carlin

I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try. George Carlin

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. George Carlin

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know. George Carlin

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered. George Carlin

Most people are not particularly good at anything. George Carlin

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives. George Carlin

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. George Carlin

Does killing time damage eternity? George Carlin

There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are. George Carlin

Life is not that complicated. George Carlin

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.' George Carlin

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'. George Carlin

If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin

I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way. George Carlin

I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted. George Carlin

I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people. George Carlin

I don't really identify with America, I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices. George Carlin

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. George Carlin

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. George Carlin

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. George Carlin

My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. George Carlin

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. George Carlin

Think off-center. George Carlin

We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all. George Carlin

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! George Carlin

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala." George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! George Carlin

What was the best thing before sliced bread? George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. George Carlin

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws. George Carlin

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. George Carlin

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. George Carlin

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help. George Carlin

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again! George Carlin

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going. George Carlin

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way." George Carlin

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."" George Carlin

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan. George Carlin

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? George Carlin

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. George Carlin

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! George Carlin

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol. George Carlin

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. George Carlin

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent. George Carlin

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin

All music is the blues. All of it. George Carlin

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet. George Carlin

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. George Carlin

The only good thing about religion is the music. Because nature is filled with balances and opposites, there are always exceptions to the overall rules, whether the overall rules are bleak or otherwise. If you propound a joyous theory of existence, I will find an exception to that. If I propound a bleak theory, someone will find a joyous exception. That's just nature being nature, I think, and I don't think it offers a lot of hope. It's sort of a respite along the way. George Carlin

Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children. George Carlin

I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening. George Carlin

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them. George Carlin

My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money. George Carlin

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky. George Carlin

Let me get a sip of water figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. George Carlin

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