George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? George Carlin

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. George Carlin

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? George Carlin

When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all. George Carlin

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry. George Carlin

I'm not an angry person, just very disappointed and contemptuous of my fellow humans' choices - and on stage those feelings sometimes are exaggerated for a theatric stage - you're on a stage you have an audience of 2500 or 3000 people: you need to project the feelings, the emotions it's heightened, and people mistake it for a personal anger but it's more dissatisfaction, disappointment and contempt for these things we've settled for. George Carlin

I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics is luck too. Because you could have been born in some really terrible situation and never had a chance to realize yourself or see who you were. And so the luck of genetics and then after that, circumstances, those are the two guiding things. George Carlin

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. George Carlin

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. George Carlin

Life is tough, then you die. George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. George Carlin

Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. George Carlin

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. George Carlin

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. George Carlin

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. George Carlin

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. George Carlin

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? George Carlin

When in comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion. George Carlin

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. George Carlin

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? George Carlin

A pear is a failed apple. George Carlin

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. George Carlin

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. George Carlin

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. George Carlin

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it! George Carlin

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living. George Carlin

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse. George Carlin

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes. George Carlin

If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? George Carlin

An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter. George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are f****d. George Carlin

That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff. George Carlin

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it. George Carlin

If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. George Carlin

The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller amounts, and I would do coke for less periods of time. And that process just kept increasing and increasing until I wasn't using it at all. I didn't go on a program anywhere. I didn't join an organization or detox anywhere. I just slowly tapered off until it was gone. That was also true of my heavy pot use. I just tapered off until there was almost no use at all. And the same thing was true of drinking tons of beer. George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. George Carlin

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining. George Carlin

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. George Carlin

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone ... Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder. George Carlin

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. George Carlin

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f-in head! Aparently we're not ready for that! George Carlin

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead George Carlin

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. George Carlin

Is' making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. George Carlin

In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing. George Carlin

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife-because the music hadn't been beautiful enough. George Carlin

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. George Carlin

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. George Carlin

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business. George Carlin

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. George Carlin

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. George Carlin

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy! George Carlin

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. George Carlin

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman." George Carlin

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did. George Carlin

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. George Carlin



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