George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 926


I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. George Carlin
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? George Carlin
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius. George Carlin
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Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in. George Carlin
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I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! George Carlin
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around - that's their job! George Carlin
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In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that George Carlin
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I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. George Carlin
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. George Carlin
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes. George Carlin
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You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out. George Carlin
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If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left side of it. I believe the difference between right and left is that the right, for the most part, the bulk of their philosophy is interested in property, and the rights of people to own property and gain and acquire and keep property. And I think on the left - though they blend and mix - on the left primarily you will find people who are more concerned about humans, and the human condition, and what can be done. George Carlin
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Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell. George Carlin
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Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark tonight turning to partly light in the morning. George Carlin
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The real reason that we ca' have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin
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When will all the rhetorical questions end? George Carlin
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin
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Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth. George Carlin
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole. George Carlin
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Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. George Carlin
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. George Carlin
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If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? George Carlin
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. George Carlin
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. George Carlin
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Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. George Carlin
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? George Carlin
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When in comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion. George Carlin
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. George Carlin
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I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? George Carlin
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A pear is a failed apple. George Carlin
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When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. George Carlin
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To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. George Carlin
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As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. George Carlin
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You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it! George Carlin
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Professional soldiers are people who die for a living. George Carlin
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When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse. George Carlin
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? George Carlin
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. George Carlin
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff. George Carlin
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Don't just teach your children to read... Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. George Carlin
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The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes. George Carlin
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If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? George Carlin
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An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter. George Carlin
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. George Carlin
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When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it. George Carlin
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If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. George Carlin
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The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller amounts, and I would do coke for less periods of time. And that process just kept increasing and increasing until I wasn't using it at all. I didn't go on a program anywhere. I didn't join an organization or detox anywhere. I just slowly tapered off until it was gone. That was also true of my heavy pot use. I just tapered off until there was almost no use at all. And the same thing was true of drinking tons of beer. George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. George Carlin
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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. George Carlin
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. George Carlin
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The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife-because the music hadn't been beautiful enough. George Carlin
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I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. George Carlin
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. George Carlin
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. George Carlin
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. George Carlin
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are. George Carlin
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Life is not that complicated. George Carlin
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.' George Carlin
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In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing. George Carlin
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining. George Carlin
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. George Carlin
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