George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom. George Carlin
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I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. George Carlin
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals? George Carlin
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet. George Carlin
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Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. George Carlin
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you? George Carlin
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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist. George Carlin
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore. George Carlin
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An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time. George Carlin
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. George Carlin
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Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell. George Carlin
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When will all the rhetorical questions end? George Carlin
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole. George Carlin
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country. George Carlin
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! George Carlin
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? George Carlin
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It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. George Carlin
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The real reason that we ca' have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. George Carlin
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. George Carlin
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People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. George Carlin
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman." George Carlin
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Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did. George Carlin
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Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. George Carlin
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. George Carlin
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If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? George Carlin
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. George Carlin
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. George Carlin
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Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. George Carlin
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. George Carlin
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? George Carlin
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When in comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion. George Carlin
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. George Carlin
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I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? George Carlin
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A pear is a failed apple. George Carlin
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When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. George Carlin
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To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. George Carlin
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As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. George Carlin
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You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it! George Carlin
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Professional soldiers are people who die for a living. George Carlin
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When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse. George Carlin
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. George Carlin
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin
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So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. George Carlin
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Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. George Carlin
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The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy! George Carlin
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin
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If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead George Carlin
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. George Carlin
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. George Carlin
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff. George Carlin
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. George Carlin
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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. George Carlin
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. George Carlin
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The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife-because the music hadn't been beautiful enough. George Carlin
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I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. George Carlin
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. George Carlin
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It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business. George Carlin
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? George Carlin
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. George Carlin
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. George Carlin
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. George Carlin
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Think off-center. George Carlin
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