George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George Carlin

The status quo sucks. George Carlin

Cancer research is a growth industry. George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow. George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired. George Carlin

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here. George Carlin

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been. George Carlin

They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on. George Carlin

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing. George Carlin

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. George Carlin

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!" George Carlin

How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. George Carlin

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice. George Carlin

I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species. George Carlin

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol. George Carlin

Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us. George Carlin

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids George Carlin

My history of moving away from drugs is not the kind you hear from most people. Certainly not from celebrities, especially those professionally recovering people. What I've noticed in my overuse of cocaine is the period of pleasure versus the period of pain. That is to say that when you first get high on anything, the pleasure is predominant and you don't pay much price. A little hangover or whatever it might be with another drug. But after a while the ratio begins to change, and there' s far more pain in the deal than pleasure. It just completely goes in another direction. George Carlin

I don`t understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and keeps score and who throws you in a burning pit. I think that's very limiting, very antihuman. It's the way they devised for helping to control people because if they can make you believe in an invisible man who's going to hurt you later, they can make you believe anything! George Carlin

I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way. George Carlin

If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it. If Bush or Reagan owned it, you'd have to kill them to get a piece of pie. That's my feeling about Bill. And Bill's a good bullshitter. America likes a good bullshitter. That's one of the reasons he was re-elected. Honesty has no place in politics. It would throw everything off. George Carlin

When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. George Carlin

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. George Carlin

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry." George Carlin

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. George Carlin

I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! George Carlin

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around - that's their job! George Carlin

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. George Carlin

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell. George Carlin

When will all the rhetorical questions end? George Carlin

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you. George Carlin

The real reason that we ca' have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. George Carlin

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. George Carlin

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes. George Carlin

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out. George Carlin

If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left side of it. I believe the difference between right and left is that the right, for the most part, the bulk of their philosophy is interested in property, and the rights of people to own property and gain and acquire and keep property. And I think on the left - though they blend and mix - on the left primarily you will find people who are more concerned about humans, and the human condition, and what can be done. George Carlin

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that George Carlin

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. George Carlin

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. George Carlin

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there? George Carlin

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution. George Carlin

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? George Carlin

I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. George Carlin

Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth. George Carlin

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings. George Carlin

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election George Carlin

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are. George Carlin

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. George Carlin

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius. George Carlin

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in. George Carlin

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. George Carlin

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively. George Carlin

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom. George Carlin

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. George Carlin

How do you write zero in Roman numerals? George Carlin

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet. George Carlin

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. George Carlin

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you? George Carlin

I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist. George Carlin

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore. George Carlin

An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time. George Carlin

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country. George Carlin

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole. George Carlin

Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark tonight turning to partly light in the morning. George Carlin

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! George Carlin



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