George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. George Carlin
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I ca' quite remember. George Carlin
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So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family. George Carlin
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I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. George Carlin
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? George Carlin
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Cancer research is a growth industry. George Carlin
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow. George Carlin
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired. George Carlin
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Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here. George Carlin
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Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. George Carlin
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So far, this is the oldest I've been. George Carlin
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They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on. George Carlin
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing. George Carlin
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These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. George Carlin
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Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!" George Carlin
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. George Carlin
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. George Carlin
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I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! George Carlin
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around - that's their job! George Carlin
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In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that George Carlin
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I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. George Carlin
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Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. George Carlin
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election George Carlin
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are. George Carlin
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. George Carlin
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Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there? George Carlin
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I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution. George Carlin
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Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth. George Carlin
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius. George Carlin
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Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in. George Carlin
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The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you. George Carlin
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Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol. George Carlin
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Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. George Carlin
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. George Carlin
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. George Carlin
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes. George Carlin
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You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out. George Carlin
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If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left side of it. I believe the difference between right and left is that the right, for the most part, the bulk of their philosophy is interested in property, and the rights of people to own property and gain and acquire and keep property. And I think on the left - though they blend and mix - on the left primarily you will find people who are more concerned about humans, and the human condition, and what can be done. George Carlin
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. George Carlin
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? George Carlin
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I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. George Carlin
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I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. George Carlin
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Life is tough, then you die. George Carlin
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George Carlin
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. George Carlin
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So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry." George Carlin
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. George Carlin
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice. George Carlin
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I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species. George Carlin
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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings. George Carlin
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us. George Carlin
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Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids George Carlin
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My history of moving away from drugs is not the kind you hear from most people. Certainly not from celebrities, especially those professionally recovering people. What I've noticed in my overuse of cocaine is the period of pleasure versus the period of pain. That is to say that when you first get high on anything, the pleasure is predominant and you don't pay much price. A little hangover or whatever it might be with another drug. But after a while the ratio begins to change, and there' s far more pain in the deal than pleasure. It just completely goes in another direction. George Carlin
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I don`t understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and keeps score and who throws you in a burning pit. I think that's very limiting, very antihuman. It's the way they devised for helping to control people because if they can make you believe in an invisible man who's going to hurt you later, they can make you believe anything! George Carlin
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way. George Carlin
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If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it. If Bush or Reagan owned it, you'd have to kill them to get a piece of pie. That's my feeling about Bill. And Bill's a good bullshitter. America likes a good bullshitter. That's one of the reasons he was re-elected. Honesty has no place in politics. It would throw everything off. George Carlin
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When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. George Carlin
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? George Carlin
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all. George Carlin
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Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry. George Carlin
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I'm not an angry person, just very disappointed and contemptuous of my fellow humans' choices - and on stage those feelings sometimes are exaggerated for a theatric stage - you're on a stage you have an audience of 2500 or 3000 people: you need to project the feelings, the emotions it's heightened, and people mistake it for a personal anger but it's more dissatisfaction, disappointment and contempt for these things we've settled for. George Carlin
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I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics is luck too. Because you could have been born in some really terrible situation and never had a chance to realize yourself or see who you were. And so the luck of genetics and then after that, circumstances, those are the two guiding things. George Carlin
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Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark tonight turning to partly light in the morning. George Carlin
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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. George Carlin
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Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively. George Carlin
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George Carlin
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