George Carlin Quotes & Wallpapers

George Carlin
Total Quotes: 1007


As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions. George Carlin

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. George Carlin

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade. George Carlin

The future will soon be a thing of the past. George Carlin

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. George Carlin

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. George Carlin

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place. George Carlin

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. George Carlin

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found. George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. George Carlin

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me. George Carlin

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!' George Carlin

I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. George Carlin

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach. George Carlin

I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms. George Carlin

I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me. George Carlin

I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems. George Carlin

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. George Carlin

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. George Carlin

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook. If there really are multiple universes, what do they call the thing they're all a part of? Where did this idea come from that if you're a celebrity, and something bad happens to you, you have to devote your life to eliminating the same problem for everyone else? George Carlin

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think. George Carlin

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. George Carlin

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth. George Carlin

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard George Carlin

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence. George Carlin

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power. George Carlin

Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news. George Carlin

All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war. George Carlin

Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails. George Carlin

[On School Uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German. George Carlin

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming. George Carlin

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months. George Carlin

The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun. George Carlin

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian. George Carlin

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven. George Carlin

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark. George Carlin

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid. George Carlin

The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition. George Carlin

To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from. George Carlin

People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing. George Carlin

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking. George Carlin

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. George Carlin

Meow" means "woof" in cat. George Carlin

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. George Carlin

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. George Carlin

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>> George Carlin

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites? George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free. George Carlin

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. George Carlin

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. George Carlin

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? George Carlin

Hooray for most things! George Carlin

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own. George Carlin

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. George Carlin

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. George Carlin

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing. George Carlin

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body George Carlin

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated. George Carlin

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. George Carlin



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