Erma Bombeck Quotes & Wallpapers

Erma Bombeck
Total Quotes: 362


Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins. Erma Bombeck
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom. Erma Bombeck
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change? Erma Bombeck
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It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents. Erma Bombeck
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance. Erma Bombeck
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If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Erma Bombeck
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Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Erma Bombeck
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I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set. Erma Bombeck
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My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up. Erma Bombeck
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility. Erma Bombeck
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married. Erma Bombeck
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Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having. Erma Bombeck
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My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket. Erma Bombeck
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When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? Erma Bombeck
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When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put the Fathers up so high? He won't be able to shoot a marble without kneeling, play pretend drinking tea, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping." God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child-size, who would children have to look up to?" Erma Bombeck
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope. Erma Bombeck
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. Erma Bombeck
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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan. Erma Bombeck
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.... Erma Bombeck
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I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too. Erma Bombeck
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. Erma Bombeck
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. Erma Bombeck
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. Erma Bombeck
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. Erma Bombeck
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. Erma Bombeck
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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. Erma Bombeck
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem. Erma Bombeck
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. Erma Bombeck
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We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.) Erma Bombeck
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield. Erma Bombeck
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I was a closet pacifier advocate. So were most of my friends. Unknown to our mothers, we owned thirty or forty of those little suckers that were placed strategically around the house so a cry could be silenced in less than thirty seconds. Even though bottles were boiled, rooms disinfected, and germs fought one on one, no one seemed to care where the pacifier had been. Erma Bombeck
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. Erma Bombeck
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When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home. Erma Bombeck
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate. Erma Bombeck
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. Erma Bombeck
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I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service. Erma Bombeck
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Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water. Erma Bombeck
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I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there. Erma Bombeck
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Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you. Erma Bombeck
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A small waist makes you tire easily. Erma Bombeck
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer. Erma Bombeck
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Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes. Erma Bombeck
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Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. Erma Bombeck
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The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to drop? Erma Bombeck
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises. Erma Bombeck
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!' You can't imagine what a great feeling that is for an American housewife. Basically women work alone when they're at home. Erma Bombeck
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood. Erma Bombeck
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Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos. Erma Bombeck
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better. Erma Bombeck
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...I remember thinking how often we look, but never see...we listen, but never hear...we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive. Erma Bombeck
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I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless. They crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly. Erma Bombeck
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A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up. Erma Bombeck
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Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw. Erma Bombeck
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. Erma Bombeck
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. Erma Bombeck
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A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. Erma Bombeck
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. Erma Bombeck
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. Erma Bombeck
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself. Erma Bombeck
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Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League. Erma Bombeck
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Erma Bombeck
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When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others. Erma Bombeck
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I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born. Erma Bombeck
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Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world. Erma Bombeck
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When humor go's, there go's civilization. Erma Bombeck
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden. Erma Bombeck
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