Erma Bombeck Quotes & Wallpapers

Erma Bombeck
Total Quotes: 363


My mind works... two boobs never get me a job. Erma Bombeck

I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week. Erma Bombeck

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises. Erma Bombeck

I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho. Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. Erma Bombeck

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. Erma Bombeck

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. Erma Bombeck

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell. Erma Bombeck

He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures... but he was never in them. Erma Bombeck

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. Erma Bombeck

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty. Erma Bombeck

Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience. Erma Bombeck

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. Erma Bombeck

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us. Erma Bombeck

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle. Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids. Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years. Erma Bombeck

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home. Erma Bombeck

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. Erma Bombeck

I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal. Erma Bombeck

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale. Erma Bombeck

She's as funny as a toothache Erma Bombeck

What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself? Erma Bombeck

... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting. Erma Bombeck

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky. Erma Bombeck

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. Erma Bombeck

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys. Erma Bombeck

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat. Erma Bombeck

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors. Erma Bombeck

The term 'working mother' is redundant. Erma Bombeck

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot. Erma Bombeck

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green. Erma Bombeck

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track? Erma Bombeck

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not. Erma Bombeck

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. Erma Bombeck

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Erma Bombeck

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain loving one another. Erma Bombeck

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden. Erma Bombeck

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. Erma Bombeck

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?! Erma Bombeck

A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room. Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Erma Bombeck

Laugh now, cry later. Erma Bombeck

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. Erma Bombeck

God created man, but I could do better. Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. Erma Bombeck

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect. Erma Bombeck

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him. Erma Bombeck

With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom. Erma Bombeck

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby... Erma Bombeck

Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair. Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck

Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins. Erma Bombeck

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Erma Bombeck

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair. Erma Bombeck

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary. Erma Bombeck

I used everything you gave me. Erma Bombeck

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight. Erma Bombeck

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.. Erma Bombeck

My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up. Erma Bombeck

When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility. Erma Bombeck

Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married. Erma Bombeck



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