Erma Bombeck Quotes & Wallpapers

Erma Bombeck
Total Quotes: 362


Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven. Erma Bombeck
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel. Erma Bombeck
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage. Erma Bombeck
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later. Erma Bombeck
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Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them. Erma Bombeck
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children. Erma Bombeck
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each. Erma Bombeck
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about! Erma Bombeck
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I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren. Erma Bombeck
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Success is outliving your failures Erma Bombeck
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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line. Erma Bombeck
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the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in. Erma Bombeck
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight. Erma Bombeck
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I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode. Erma Bombeck
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Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door. Erma Bombeck
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us. Erma Bombeck
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The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. Erma Bombeck
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There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'. Erma Bombeck
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I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore. Erma Bombeck
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Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence. Erma Bombeck
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? Erma Bombeck
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies. Erma Bombeck
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture. Erma Bombeck
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns. Erma Bombeck
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle. Erma Bombeck
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth! Erma Bombeck
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If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. Erma Bombeck
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The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. Erma Bombeck
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Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. Erma Bombeck
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Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. Erma Bombeck
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. Erma Bombeck
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Erma Bombeck
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. Erma Bombeck
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. Erma Bombeck
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There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. Erma Bombeck
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person. Erma Bombeck
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A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory - an empty bottle of gin. Erma Bombeck
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners. Erma Bombeck
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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses. Erma Bombeck
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises. Erma Bombeck
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I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho. Erma Bombeck
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I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it. Erma Bombeck
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Do I have to use my own money? Erma Bombeck
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child. Erma Bombeck
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One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone. Erma Bombeck
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Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible. Erma Bombeck
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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating? Erma Bombeck
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today. Erma Bombeck
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There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in. Erma Bombeck
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I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, "I told you so. Erma Bombeck
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. Erma Bombeck
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not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals. Erma Bombeck
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After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery. Erma Bombeck
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I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit. Erma Bombeck
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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can. Erma Bombeck
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble. Erma Bombeck
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas. Erma Bombeck
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I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out. Erma Bombeck
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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football. Erma Bombeck
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The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop? Erma Bombeck
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth. Erma Bombeck
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I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night ... Erma Bombeck
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All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Erma Bombeck
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. Erma Bombeck
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. Erma Bombeck
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Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. Erma Bombeck
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Erma Bombeck
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' Erma Bombeck
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. Erma Bombeck
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