Erma Bombeck Quotes & Wallpapers

Erma Bombeck
Total Quotes: 363


Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact. Erma Bombeck

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie. Erma Bombeck

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago. Erma Bombeck

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine. Erma Bombeck

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken. Erma Bombeck

Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood. Erma Bombeck

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever. Erma Bombeck

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake. Erma Bombeck

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one. Erma Bombeck

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence. Erma Bombeck

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old. Erma Bombeck

For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella who plays 'Holiday for Strings' on water glasses. Erma Bombeck

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it. Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. Erma Bombeck

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. Erma Bombeck

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture. Erma Bombeck

Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I'll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. ... I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, 'I stole this.' ... But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all. Erma Bombeck

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food. Erma Bombeck

The suburbs were discovered, quite by accident, one day in the early 1940's by a Welcome Wagon lady who was lost. Erma Bombeck

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.... Erma Bombeck

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. Erma Bombeck

Housework can kill you if done right. Erma Bombeck

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. Erma Bombeck

You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death. Erma Bombeck

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization. Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? Erma Bombeck

I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted." Erma Bombeck

My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again. Erma Bombeck

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna. Erma Bombeck

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them. Erma Bombeck

Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up. Erma Bombeck

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up. Erma Bombeck

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. Erma Bombeck

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved. Erma Bombeck

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused. Erma Bombeck

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded. Erma Bombeck

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles. Erma Bombeck

If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it. Erma Bombeck

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed. Erma Bombeck

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. Erma Bombeck

We've got a generation now who were born with semi equality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle. Erma Bombeck

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated. Erma Bombeck

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive. Erma Bombeck

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck

Children make your life important. Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? Erma Bombeck

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her. Erma Bombeck

I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday? Erma Bombeck

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. Erma Bombeck

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. Erma Bombeck

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. Erma Bombeck

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. Erma Bombeck

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Erma Bombeck

It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have...One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head...and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word. Erma Bombeck

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced. Erma Bombeck

There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'. Erma Bombeck

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body. Erma Bombeck

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this. Erma Bombeck

I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren. Erma Bombeck

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them. Erma Bombeck



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