Erma Bombeck Quotes & Wallpapers

Erma Bombeck
Total Quotes: 363

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process. Erma Bombeck

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede. Erma Bombeck

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed. Erma Bombeck

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. Erma Bombeck

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. Erma Bombeck

What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. Erma Bombeck

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. Erma Bombeck

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script. Erma Bombeck

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. Erma Bombeck

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something. Erma Bombeck

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged. Erma Bombeck

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet. Erma Bombeck

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Erma Bombeck

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain. Erma Bombeck

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job. Erma Bombeck

We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle. Erma Bombeck

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. Erma Bombeck

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. Erma Bombeck

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. Erma Bombeck

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another. Erma Bombeck

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing. Erma Bombeck

Every puppy should have a boy. Erma Bombeck

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. Erma Bombeck

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed. Erma Bombeck

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff. Erma Bombeck

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant. Erma Bombeck

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best. Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. And how do you know laughter if there is no pain to compare it with? Erma Bombeck

The grass is always greener over the septic tank. Erma Bombeck

The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah. Erma Bombeck

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. Erma Bombeck

He who laughs.....lasts. Erma Bombeck

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans. Erma Bombeck

[On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much. Erma Bombeck

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar. Erma Bombeck

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!' Erma Bombeck

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. Erma Bombeck

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me. Erma Bombeck

There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast. Erma Bombeck

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Erma Bombeck

In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV. Erma Bombeck

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners. Erma Bombeck

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick. Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist. Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight. Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. Erma Bombeck

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives. Erma Bombeck

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies. Erma Bombeck

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?" Erma Bombeck

Cats invented self-esteem. Erma Bombeck

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job. Erma Bombeck

A child needs your love most when he deserves it least Erma Bombeck

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything. Erma Bombeck

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love. Erma Bombeck

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten. Erma Bombeck

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